A Reminder to Myself about living

So, new site, yay! So I have to get rid of these placeholder blogs, and what better way to do that than espouse about the pathetic state of me(or lack of state thereof)! ## What are you even talking about? Okay, context time. I have issues. Severe mental issues. DID is one of them, so is Asperger's and ADHD. This was...disabling at best, and sent me to the brink of suicide at worst. I was so depressed I gave up on classes and straight up missed two semesters and tried to commit suicide. So some things had to change. Or one fine day, I will break, and that won't be fun. ### So what did you do? Originally, I didn't. I tried to avoid and cope and got away with it in my first semester. But eventually, my identity(more on that later) snapped and I lost a lot of myself in that process. It didn't help that immediately after this happened, I had my fellow cofounders orchestrate a hostile takeover against me and threw me from the company. So I started popping pills, hoping to overdose, but stopped myself in time(my roommate did anyway). ### And? Around came the third semester. I tried to handle it as I did my best to find out who I was. I barely scraped by in most classes and made it through. And then came the fourth semester, and once again, I was smacked with a wrecking ball. I lost my sanity and everything that came with it. So that's the story of how I have eight backlogs. ### What did you do after that? I talked to a professional. Stopped avoiding the fact that I needed help, and during the summer, I got admitted in NIMHANS, India's best psychiatric hospital. And many things were done, and quite a few buried issues discovered. Now that college is about to reopen, I am trying to get back on track with my work and studies. Because I finally want the feeling of being on the saddle of my life again. And I've been better than ever before, prepping to go into college with the discovery of some code that I believe is going to change my life. ## Identity and the crisis thereof Now, ADHD and Asperger's is a bad combo. If not treated, it will lead to you basically latching on to something. And when I came to college, that was tech. I had built computers for 4 years. I knew Python. I was confident I'd make it, and then it truly hit me. That I was a tiny fish in a massive ocean. I was instantly trying to cope, because I didn't know what else to do. What was I supposed to do, not have an identity? So I kept comparing myself to everyone and everything, from classmates to clubmates, from studies to tech to gaming and mentally, I was hurling obscenities at myself. And eventually, I got depressed. And I had a particularly bad semester, so my attendance was low. I gave in my psychiatric certificate, to which, I was told, was not valid by my college, as it was not a discharge certificate and I wasn't hospitalised. And I gave up and that's how I have a lot of backlogs. ### About that hostile takeover I don't know whether you intended to break me by giving me more and more work in the startup, or it was a genuine accident, but you chose to capitalise on it, even though we were still friends. I considered you friends to me and I thought you had my back just as you stuck a shiv in it. And you did worse to Parth. SO wherever you are, Garv Pathak and Sarthak Varchasvi, I hope you face the consequences of your own actions someday. I may or may not be there to see it, but it will happen. ## And what's the point of this? The point of this is catharsis. The problem cannot be magically fixed. To first fix the problem, I must acknowledge and be okay with acknowledging that publicly. Here. This is as public and formal as I can get, generally. Until I put an RSS feed on the blog I guess(todo along with a million things) ## AI and how it feeds and starves I cannot decide on how to talk about this. On one hand, they've been weird mirrors that reflect back at me in ways I couldn't even think of, and they're very good at generating _perfectly average_ code. On the other hand, I used to actively beat myself up for using AI, considering myself inferior for using it. I also outsourced architectural and educational decisions about some projects which was bad. Lucky for me, I caught myself in the act. And promptly overcorrected as stated above. It took me a long time to realise it is just a hammer. A hammer cannot imagine a house. A hammer cannot plan and design a house. But when its time to build, I'd like the hammer on my side. I could do without it, but it's good to have more tools in your toolbox. Be responsible. Use OpenRouter. ## In Summarium This is more or less an open letter to anyone who gives a shit. But there are people I'd like to specifically call out for keeping me sane, such as the seniors from LUG, Eniyan, Aadithya, Diganta, Sham, Parth, Rujul, Pranav, Yasah, Andromeda, Kouhai, Tea, Squid(online nicknames, don't question it), Sagar, Oleander and many many more I sadly cannot remember because of my issues. I've done a lot of things, and this is my start again, of not being scared of doing, and not being scared of a lack of progress. Granted, I haven't started my third year, but we should be okay. I think. I hope. For the first time in a long time, I'm trying to build because I enjoy building again—not because I need to prove I'm smart enough to belong. Whether it's a tiny parser, a local inference model, or a simulation of armour spalling, I want the work to be mine. That will do. _If you made it all this way, thank you. Let me know what you think._